You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
