Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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