just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
