He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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