Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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