I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
