I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
