He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
