didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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