And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
