My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
zippers are such a cool invention
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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