if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
