Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
