im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
you had me at cake vodka
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
whose parrot is this?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize