you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
