Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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