literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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