there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
