Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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