I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
