I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
