I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize