I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
