I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
