just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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