I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
50% drunk capacity currently
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
