Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
dude. I can hear the air.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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