I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
