i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize