I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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