I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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