I'm really into asian looking animals
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Rumble strips road head = magical
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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