Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
