I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
