i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Shame is for Republicans.
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