Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
