I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
