I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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