just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
