There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
