I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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