no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
