Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize