Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
