So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize