Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
40s are totally the cure
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
