I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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