It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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