is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
