I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
