She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
