Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
