yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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