just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
