my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
