i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
