I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i can't believe i had my finger in that
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
