It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm passing your future prison.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
