I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
