When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I take back everything I said about communal showers
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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