I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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