Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
